After the flames, how to apologize? New comm: meaculpa

[pine]

What do you do after a flaming row? An intemperate remark (or 10)? When the bitter anger of a wank dies down, there is occasionally a fleeting wish that some of it could be unsaid, or at least that you could apologize and agree to move on. Or sometimes, there are things you didn't do - the "sins of omission" - and you wish you could say what you didn't say, and explain why, and apologize, and move on.

quinfirefrorefiddle on Dreamwidth came up with one interesting solution:

meaculpa

Because if we don't move on... we're stuck. Not changing, staying the same, is being stuck, too.

In the aftermath of every fail there are some who wonder, Is fandom getting wankier all the time? What happens when you follow the Geek Social Fallacies too assiduously (or your whole flist seems to) and can no longer be "friends" with anyone who didn't totally agree, jump in on the "right" side, join the drama, care deeply, get the point?

Eventually the only friends you dare have are those who (a) don't talk, (b) don't talk publicly, or (c) are newbies. The friends who don't talk - well, hello? They're gone. The ones who no longer talk online - why stay, then? We're gone. As for those newbies, they will soon go through the same trial-by-fail, resulting in most of *them* becoming polarized or silenced or silencing or walking away from fandom... do the math. It's a never-ending turmoil with smaller and smaller circles of trust, and larger and larger circles of former friends and lifelong enemies.

Woah. This is not my shiny fandom! This is not the online community we say we want! Instead, it's a steadily shrinking space of love and trust and diversity, of civil discourse. It's ever less of the squee, and teh shiny, not to mention my beloved meta. Yes, it's good that fandom becomes ever more aware of important issues - but not if it becomes ever less willing to just *talk*, and resolve them, and move on with an increase in both awareness *and* community. Because dude, regardless of how right the path is, if it goes into the big empty desert without that loaf of bread, jug of wine, and especially *thou* - the rest of the community - it's a lonely, empty place.

Sure, there's that whole "different drummer" shtick, taking "the less travelled path". But there's also the old "No woman is an island." It reminds us "for whom the bell tolls": it's for *us*. That death knell always, in some way, signals a loss from our community. Because hey, we are social animals, and if we can't take care of each other? We die a little inside. Sometimes social animals, cut off from healthy community, just die.

This web 2.0, this fandom, our shiny jewel in the online sea, this splintered isle - it's no good if we can't learn how to get along.

Sometimes, you want to say you're sorry for your actions or inactions, for words spoken or unspoken, information divulged or topics shied away from. This can be regardless of whether the others involved are interested in dialogue or forgiveness. Sometimes, *you* need to make an apology for your karma or serenity, your self-respect or sense of closure or whatever.



This was received from quinfirefrorefiddle on Dreamwidth.

The message is: New comm for fandom- meaculpa

Hi. This is a shameless comm plug- sorry about that.

I've become concerned that fandom doesn't offer much of a chance to ask and receive forgiveness, but does offer plenty of chances for anger and argument. In an attempt to turn that around a bit, I've started a new comm here on Dreamwidth, called meaculpa. It's a place for online apologies, particularly intended for fandom but available to anybody.

I follow your journal because I like the way you write, but as you've also been around for awhile, you know a bunch of people online. If you think this could help someone, please let them know.

Thanks, I won't take up any more of your time.
-Quin Firefrorefiddle

Wow.

COOL. I mean, I'm rushing to get on the road out of town, but I can think of a couple apologies I'd like to make publicly, y'know? And if those I am apologizing to are agreeable to accepting them or discussing or whatever, that's great. If not, that will also be okay. Because owning my feelings in public is like having my journal - not always very pretty, but I keep trying!

Comments

[blnchflr]

I'm very cynical about how it's going to turn out with such a comm - but if I'm proven wrong, it'll be a good thing :o)

[quinfirefrorefiddle]

To be strictly honest with you, so am I. I do have some moderating experience- not so much in fandom as on religious debate boards, and there was this debacle on a LJ discussion board under another name a couple years ago where I was an accidental mod- long story. A lot of that experience leads me to be very cynical indeed about online behavior- we don't see each other, so callousness is so much easier. But I've seen a lot of good, too. We can only hope. :)

[blnchflr]

I'll hope, then :o)

[pine]

Oh yes. Me too. But if 1 person is prompted to mend a fence somewhere, that's good. And if 109823767 people say OMG WHAT CHEESY STUPID FAIL IS THIS, well... it will tell us all something about fandom. Like a "cry for help" LOL.

[blnchflr]

And if 109823767 people say OMG WHAT CHEESY STUPID FAIL IS THIS, well... it will tell us all something about fandom.
Indeed!

[quinfirefrorefiddle]

Thanks for the plug! I just hope it can help- even if it's just bringing the concept of forgiveness up in fandom at all.

[pine]

You bet! Because this:

it can help- even if it's just bringing the concept of forgiveness up in fandom at all.

Because for all the energy people are putting into the fails and the associated metas & wank, it would be nice if they also thought about:

• How does this leave me better - happier* - as a person?
• How does this make my fandom and comms happier places to be in?

Cos if the answers are to either or both are "no" then FANDOM UR DOIN IT WRONG

* happy, b/c I don't believe virtue and knowledge = dour unsmiling people, even though precisely because I was raised Presbyterian

[schemingreader]

You're assuming that everyone is rational and everyone shares the same understanding of each other's motivations. I don't think that's a safe assumption.

[pine]

I agree, it's not at all a safe assumption. It seems like increasingly, nothing about online fandom is safe. Frankly, I miss the years when the my-ship vs. your-ship and slash vs. het vs. gen were the wankiest wanks going.

But granted that many people don't come to online fandom to be rational - and many just aren't rational, full stop. Shall we all throw our hands up and quit? Retreat to the tiny little gated communities of BNFs and their satellite flists? (Those often have their own horrendous kinds of policing, which just because they're "on behalf of" some beloved well-known fanficcer, doesn't exonerate them from rationality and/or civility - or shouldn't.)

Fandom is still far better than some of the old fashioned list-serves I'm on. It's hard to top male scientists and faculty members for wankerrific attitude. Like fangirls, they often run in packs and one ends up having to avoid certain comms for months at a time, or be prepared to ignore half the posts and most of the comments.

Color me optimistic. I think the experiment is worth a try, and will do little harm, certainly not like the heavy-handed thought correction that has sucked the air out of half the months this year.